Not dreading tomorrow, not looking forward to it either.

One of the fears I identified in this whole Start Experience process is that I fear I’ll never get paid enough to do only what I love the most.  That’s not to say I hate my job.  I don’t.  I went into information technology for a reason, I like working with computers.

The problem I have is the down time.  I’ve gotten to a point in my job that I’m not taking phone call after phone call after phone call or running around putting out the next small fire that ignites.  I have busy days, but more often than not I have a lot of days that aren’t totally filled.

I could and should use the time to grow in my field.  I haven’t worked at a job where studying up on one’s field has been frowned on during working hours.  Unfortunately I’ve never been good at just studying.  It would have made my college years much easier if I had that particular talent.

So I struggle with wanting to write, even though the blank page actively mocks my attempts to say something meaningful.  I struggle with not getting on Facebook or Twitter since I would waste too much time and would thus be stealing from my company.  I struggle with not reading up on new music, listening to new artists, and/or posting to my music blog.  Again that would be wasting time.

So on the slow days I check my email, repeatedly.  I reorganize my files on my computer.  I look for new ways to help improve process at the company.  I struggle through all of this.  Thus I don’t feel like I’m working a job I totally love, though I want to make it absolutely clear I really like my job.  I’m not just saying that because one of my co-workers might read this either.

In an ideal world and to dream a little audaciously I would have a job in IT, but if things were slow or I were caught up in my work I would be free to do whatever I wanted.  If I wanted to post to my music blog or this blog, no problem.  If I wanted to read a business magazine or even something that wasn’t strictly work related, no one would have a problem.  The fact that we have created a system that demands total, company focused work seems to be problematic for me.

I fully acknowledge that I might just be lazy and not want to admit it.  Perhaps there are tasks that I should be on the lookout for and I’m not.  I struggle with that line of thinking some days.  Then I remember the two or three weeks in a row when the phone wouldn’t stop ringing and multiple requests were sliding across my desk.  I remember the months earlier in the year when I was knee deep in report requests that consumed my every working hour.  It is the classic example of feast or famine and it seems to have been that way for the last two positions I’ve been in.

Going back to dreaming audaciously, I alluded to this a few posts back.  My dream job would be to run the music website, podcast, and webcast and maintain a small performance space.  That space would be used to book intimate concerts with independent artists.  I would like to recreate the feel of a living room concert with enough space for the audience and performer to be comfortable in.  It’s on my whiteboard in the ‘Big Dreams’ column.

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